I start this blog with a bold statement, but it is deliberate. This is my happy place. I am walking through the 10th year since my precious father’s passing. I have been through the roller coaster of grief and as Sir Elton’s song goes, ‘I am still standing after all this time’.
I recall in the very early days people would ask am I feeling better? Or when will I recover? It is easy to label people as ‘still grieving’ or ‘depressed’ rather than try to stay with them while they figure out their way through. It is also uncomfortable to see others ‘broken’ as we don’t know how to handle the situation unless we’ve been there ourselves.
Anyone who has lost someone significant in their lives will know one never recovers, but yes, in time we become good at hiding our emotions, and we learn to accept what is. The literature on grief I read mentions the average time line for the ‘recovery’ from grief as 6 to 12 months, and 18 months was considered to be complicated grief. Mine went way beyond complicated!
In a few days I will mark my dad’s birthday he would have been 105 years old. He lives on through me and in all that I am. I have just come back from a flying visit to India. Going away and coming back home gives perspective.
Coming back from the trip my gorgeous German Shepherd dog, Oscar was deliriously happy to have me back. I shared a video of his welcome dance and noted, that it would be hard for a human to emulate the warmth on display from this four legged creature. We were apart for 12 days but when we both were home I recognised this was my happy place, and now he is my family. It is a privilege to earn the trust of my dog as he is quite discerning.
Life after my dad’s death has been a journey of breaking then picking up the broken pieces to muddling through. Now I would tell my younger self that my father is immortalised though me. Given how strong our connection was, and is, it is a given. Our love is so powerful that it will survive the turbulence of grief and I will indeed thrive beyond this point. I know my life is his gift of his love, and I hope in me, others see a glimpse of the generous spirit they saw in my father.
As for my dog, in him I have found unconditional love, I have also found hope. May be my dad’s death has forced me to grow up and face my own mortality. As Steve Jobs said we must live each day as if it is our last. Growing up means learning the art of magnanimity Make peace and forgive those who have hurt us, and march on.
It is in our pain we recognise our blessings, and in accepting what is we are not surrendering but we are embracing the love we are privileged to share with each other. This is my message to those who are at the start of their grief journey.
When my father passed I felt my heart was broken. Now, I feel I have found my happy place again with my dad in my heart, still guiding me as he did before. I see myself walking home to my dad with my dog by my side. My dog may leave me first then it will be my turn. Then one day, the three of us will be walking together around the lake in Golden Acre Park!
In the context of coaching, grief touches all of us regardless of our professional background. In our professional roles we take our whole self to ‘work’ including sometimes, our broken personal self. I know how hard it is to balance the two. Sometimes, we have to prioritise the self so we can become an even better leader. People around us will appreciate our honesty if we embrace our wholeness. Coaching through crisis and change can be empowering. However one chooses to walk this journey reach out as you do not need to do this on your own.
Peace be with you.
@DMP
8th April, 2023
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